The Coffee Break Conundrum: a problem, a solution and a resolution.

by greggyboy1

Why do the simplest of things get so fucking complicated?

So what happened was this. I’m driving on the M40 and I’m tired, no hang on, I’m exhausted. In the last twenty four hours I had had the most hectic and stressful day in New York City (the reasons for which I won’t bore you with here). And a surreal night flight back to Heathrow caused by a group of orthodox Jews who have some strange ideas about acceptable behaviour on a plane, and the fella next to me who never uttered a word but stared a lot, mainly I’m glad to say at the religious nuts. I got the distinct feeling he had hatred in his heart and was plotting an act of untold violence. Again, unacceptable behaviour on an aeroplane. Needless to say I did not sleep easy, in fact I did not sleep at all. Leading us to my current situation, fighting to keep my eyelids open and failing twice (thank fuck for rumble strips!). I needed caffine and quick!

A sign for Warwick Welcome Break services loomed large and off the motorway I pulled. Parked up, went in, and ordered a coffee. To be specific I ordered a (Welcome Break) double espresso at £2.09 with an extra shot at 45p, both of these things written up on their (Welcome Break’s) board. This is where we encounter The Problem. The foreign girl (her not being English is relevant in a mo) stated that I couldn’t have the extra shot with a double espresso, only with the latte, Americano blah blah blah, she was sorry but this was company policy. She then said something I didn’t quite catch (due to the accent). I said ‘Ok, look I’m shattered, whatever, just make me the drink’. At this point a fella I hadn’t noticed chipped in with ‘extra shot 45p, it says it there on the board’. Not wanting my coffee maker to be distracted from her duties I filled him in on their (Welcome Break’s) company policy on such matters, latte, Americano blah blah blah. He just shook his head and walked off.

We now come to The Solution. Well my drink arrived, or rather two drinks arrived, and my new favourite person in the world said ‘that will be £4.18 please’. ‘Excuse me’ says I, ‘what are you charging me for?’. ‘Two double espressos, it’s the best we (Welcome Break) can do for what you asked for’, this is what she had muttered and that I hadn’t understood. Now I’m trying really hard not to lose it here, I think had I not been so utterly and completely fucked I’d have failed. I lowered my voice and said ‘No, the best you could’ve done would’ve been to make me a double espresso and a single espresso, thus giving me the three shots I had originally asked for and not the four shots you have now presented me with’. She was silent, thought for a moment, and handed me 20p. The difference between a single and a double. Whoop-dee-fucking-doo! I walked off to have a little cry in the corner, drink my now quadruple espresso and wait until I came round enough to get my sorry ass home.

After a couple of days of recovery I thought back to the shitty experience at Welcome Break and thought that that really was crap, I must tell them so! So an email was drafted and sent, basically summing up what I have told you, with an added question regarding the exact value of a single shot of espresso. Was it £1.89 (single), £1.05 (half price of a double), £1.33 (price I had to pay for three, ignore I ended up with four) or 45 pissing pence (the price of the extra bastard shot I had wanted). Which leads us to The Resolution.

I have received today a full an unreserved apology, a guarantee that they maintain high levels of standards at all times, the excuse of new staff at a busy time (it was dead) with no manager available, and not only a full refund but a free drink at any branch I like. Any branch of Starbucks that is! I didn’t use Starbucks, as I mentioned on numerous occasions it was the Welcome Break outlet I’d used. I’d walked passed the two Starbucks outlets to get to this shitfest Welcome Break one. The fuckers have only gone and passed the buck! Well I was going to thank Starbucks, commend them on their handling of customer complaints, and then explain there really is no need. But you know what? Bollocks, I’m taking it. That’s a win for me, a kinda win for Starbucks in as much as raising my opinion of them (though they didn’t answer my value of a shot question), and a complete loss for Welcome Break. Who are buck passing, incompetent fucktards. Shove your extra shot.